priceless :)

They say grief occurs in five stages. First, there’s denial. Followed by anger. Then comes bargaining, depression, and acceptance. But grief is a merciless master. Just when you think you’re free… You realize, you never stood a chance.

-Emily Thorne, Revenge

Wish we had more time, wish there was more space,

That I can be with you and see your face,

But this isn’t easy, there has to be,

A little sacrifice done between you and me.

—Tears the Soul

‘Tis the season to be CHUBBY. Lalalalala lalalafang. :D

Finally, it’s sem-break!

I’ve waited long enough for this moment to come, and in barely a few blinks from the torture I endured during the two-week brain-hell, I am finally here. Then again, this does not declare much joy for me, as much as I would want to wish. First, there is nothing much to do at home; almost nothing to keep me busy. Well, of course, there was Vampire Diaries that kept me glued to my computer for days, but I am so over the two seasons, and am running with the regular episodes now, which means I have to wait a week to catch a glimpse of one freaking episode. Seven days – too long for a 41-minute show, I tell you. Second of all, my pocket has not enough money to keep me busy —- for that reason, I am stuck at home. Third, and probably the last I could think of for now, I never really enjoyed the outdoors; call it nerdy or lazy, I have always found peace and serenity in the comfort of my own humble abode.

So, it’s Friday night, most of my friends are probably out having a good time partying somewhere, as I sit on my bed, type all these random thoughts into this thing and yawn myself to sleep.

I want to do a lot of things while on break. WANT. Wanting something so bad does not actually mean doing it —- well, in my case. My mind and body do not really coordinate well most of the time. I can want something so bad, but not do anything to eagerly pursue it. It stays in my mind for a long time and I am cool with it.

My number 1 want, READ. I need to tickle my vocab-bones and have them enhanced again, just like the old times. I feel, as I put all these thoughts to words, I am losing much of my linguistic interest already. Blame the nursing books, blame the clinical exposures, blame school, and blame my laziness. I can only focus on one goal at a time, and believe me; even focusing on such doesn’t give a guarantee that I’d give it my all. Take my current grades, for example. They are not as pretty as I wished they were, but I’ve gotten over that already. So, I have this urge to get a book (a good one) to read and have myself entertained with the kind of tickling imagination it could give. Sigh, poor me, I do not have much resources to get me a good one. On the alternative, I found some old high school stuff, mostly essays and ripped stories (very, very highschool-like) to read, and they were great sedatives. It didn’t take much of my time before I could actually snore on them (well, of course, I don’t snore, or so I believe). Reading? Urgh, screw that want.

Next, I want to blog. I guess I’m starting this now. Wow, an achievement I got. I am actually putting this want to action now, huh. Had you known me before college, I was a regular blogger, blogging anything under the sun, anything I could ever think of, anything that would ever cross my highly-talkative mind. But after entering the world of the course I am in, all that vanished like a bubble popped out of nowhere. Then, I did not really have to struggle with words; words, talking, and writing came in naturally, thanks to all the reading-novels I did back then. Now, is a lot different, for most times, I would struggle to find the best word to fit a sentence I am thinking of. The instant thesaurus I used to have in my brain suddenly just ran out of synonyms. I couldn’t play with words anymore. Of course, I am not a master of words or anything, but writers usually are very spontaneous, especially when they’re up to writing about something that catches their interests. Writer’s block, this is maybe. My high school school-paper adviser used to warn me about having that. I remember him telling me not to lose interest about writing and reading (or was it someone else who told me? I sincerely forgot who exactly told me this, but 90% of my gut tells me that it was my HS SP-adviser).

School breaks are meant to be fun, right? Fun for me starts when I actually enjoy the company of whoever I am with. For this school break, I want to be with friends —- the real ones, not the friends-with-benefits types, nor the seasonal-friends types too. Problem is, I do not really have much pennies to spend for a great day/night-out with them. So, I’ll probably have to wait for school time for us to be together again. Anyway, that isn’t so far from here now.

Travel. Oh, who doesn’t like to travel?! To escape this boring city will truly make me happy. Being somewhere else will really bring me back to my old sane self. I want to go to the beach, or to an island surrounded by beach (ehem, Kalanggaman Island, I am speaking to you!), or probably visit another city that has better malls (ehem, shopping, are you there?!). Then again, money, money, money, always my honey, where have you gone now? Screw the travelling, maybe it can wait until a parent of mine would sponsor that. Paging, parents, a daughter is in need of a well-deserved vacay; you can plan it now and save it for a post-grad gift. Thanks!!

Food. The best comforter in the world, my best friend for all time, my lover that never breaks up with me, my soul’s ultimate desire. Food. Food. And more FOOD. Yeah, that’s how hungry my mind can get, after exploring inside the variety of food the world has. But, quit the cravings, because my waistline tells me that if I indulge in too many, my uniforms will be complaining of tightness again. I do not want to look like a wrapped suman, like most people would describe someone who does not fit in his/her clothes anymore. Maybe, I’ll have to feed myself of cravings one at a time. One food, one day. But, quit the food-planning, I am stuck with house-food for this break. See, I’ve mentioned the reason. How in the world am I supposed to finance myself of delicious, sumptuous food, when again, I do not have the resources for it? Screw money. Where are you when I need you so bad, huh? I will have to learn to love Manang Nene’s classic cooking. Yummy. Not.

These are all I could think of for now. It’s a relief that I have finally emptied my noisy brain, or at least let out most of its panting. Tomorrow is another boring day that I have to surpass; I might as well enjoy it, because after this week, I am not sure if I could still enjoy laziness to the extremes. Farewell, MS Word. Au revoir!

-Should have posted this two days ago. 

You cannot expect people to always be with you and stay by your side. You have to learn how to be alone. And you have to learn how to love it. 

 One day, you wake up forgetting a bit about what happened the night you slept your tears out. That day, you realize, you’re still alive, no matter how deep the pain you felt on the night your heart got broken into pieces, on the night you thought your world has shattered. That same day, you wake up, feeling a lot stronger than the yester-mornings you would usually wake up to. That day, you try to smile and give yourself a reason to actually live the life you are in —- for yourself, this time. #moving on

I THINK ONE OF THE WORST FEELINGS IN THE WORLD IS THAT EMPTY FEELING YOU GET RIGHT AFTER YOU SPILL YOUR HEART OUT AND LAY ALL YOUR CARDS ON THE TABLE. RIGHT AFTER YOU MUSTER THE COURAGE TO SAY ALL THAT YOU HAVE BEEN FEELING AND BE COMPLETELY AND RECKLESSLY HONEST AND HE JUST WALKS AWAY WITHOUT SAYING A WORD. BECAUSE THEN YOU REALIZE THAT YOU JUST LOST. YOU JUST LOST EVERYTHING YOU DIDN’T EVEN KNOW YOU HAD WHEN YOU SAID “WHAT DO I HAVE TO LOSE?”